Up for auction is a guaranteed place in heaven.
As a close personal friend of Jesus and someone who talks to him every day I am in the unique position of being able to offer you a place at his side for all eternity. Don’t worry about where you will spend your afterlife because of a few Earthly indiscretions committed during your youth (or even recently). A good word from me will assure your place right next to Jesus and just a stones throw from God himself. In fact, once I have put your name on the list, you can continue to perform all the indiscretions you want.
Learn to play the harp as one of Jesus’ favored few. Sing hymns in perfect pitch all day every day. Don’t worry about going to the bathroom ever again. And men, those nasty erections will be a thing of the past.
You could go to church every Sunday and spend tens of thousands of dollars and countless boring hours ensuring your place in the after life but why bother? Stay home and watch TV instead, comfortable in the knowledge that when you finally shed your mortal coil you’ll ascend to heaven on a fast track to the savior himself.
Of course if Jesus isn’t your particular deity I also know Allah, Buddha and many others.
This offer is absolutely and unconditionally guaranteed and if, in the unlikely event, you don’t make it to heaven I offer a full and complete refund. No questions asked.
What have you got to loose?
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